you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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