Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
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