Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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