12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
