he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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