I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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