just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am midnight drunk by noon
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
