I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
