mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
