she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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