I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
