Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
