is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
