who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
