i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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