Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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