Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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