Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
