Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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