The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This toilet bowl is my home.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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