So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's like God shit irony all over that family
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
