FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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