just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
