Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I love you. Go after that dick
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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