i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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