I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
