dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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