I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
