im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
