You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
