She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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