So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
