Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Enjoy the penises
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
