...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
