I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
