I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
