I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
