Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
