Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
