I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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