Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
