You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
