yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Drake has all the answers
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
