a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
