I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
