Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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