I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
