4 words: hood of his car
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
