hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
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I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
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Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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