i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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