Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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