So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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