also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
