the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
