apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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