It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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