You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
