Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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