I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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